You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
