like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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