maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
