Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
