it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
