Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
