I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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