I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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