Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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