i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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