my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
