Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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