I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He did a backflip because drugs
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