Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize