I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
