I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
