Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
