I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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