True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just found a bag of teeth...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We are all done wearing pants today
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
