I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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