We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Enjoy the penises
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
