The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
