Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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