It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
