you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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