Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
A bitchslap is in order.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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