You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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