The maid of honor just puked.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
