We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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