I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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