Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
