woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
