i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
