I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
