So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Terrible idea I love it
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
