omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My penis needs a shock collar
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
