Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
