I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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