had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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