okay pat passed out under dana's car
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
