just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
