Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize