The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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