is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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