A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
