theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
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