Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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