Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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