It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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