Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize