Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
