I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
