Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My ass is underappreciated
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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