if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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