I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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