Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
