I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
