Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
