is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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