i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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