You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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