At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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